Monthly Archives: December 2017

How NOT to be a Jerk When Eating Out.

Since we are now eating away from home more than ever, here is a quick list on:

How Not to be a JERK While Eating Out.

#1. Do not be the loud and obnoxious table:
With each weekend nights full dinner service comes the one table that is boisterous to the highest degree. What they are saying apparently needs to be heard by everyone else sitting for dinner. Their conversation is the only conversation that matters, expressed in their indifference toward others and the sheer high volume of their hemming and hawing. That behavior is for Low Class Jerks.

#2. Try to make pleasant eye contact with your server:
It’s just not in good form to neglect some eye contact with your server, tending instead to be glued to your phone, book, significant other, or just staring out the window, because it’ll make you look like a Indifferent Jerk.

#3. Being the unfunny customer:
Don’t be that customer that is completely sure that they’re funny and they are not — at all funny, more derogatory than anything else. An example would be “Oh, you went to college & your a waiter?” Its a bit degrading and makes you a Insulting Jerk.

#4. Asking the server for their opinion:
If your going to ask your servers opinion of whats the best meal,then completely disregard the advice, order something else and complain about the different dish you ordered instead. That makes you a Self Inflicting Jerk.

#5. Asking price differences between items:
If you ask for price differences between menu items — well, your already a Jerk. Then making it worse, and adding many extras to the less expensive option.
Example: “I’ll take the small salad with extra cheese, bacon bits, tomatoes, croutons, olives and dressing.” Don’t do that, because if you do, your most certainty a Cheap Ass Jerk.

#6. Moderate Phone time:
Baring taking an important call from work or home, keeping the cell phone out of arms distance. Talking continuously on the phone when your server is attempting to take your order, is the behavior of a Clueless Jerk.

#7. Getting there at closing time:
No matter how sweet you are to the employees upon arriving minutes before closing, each and everyone of them hate you right now. So, try to arrive at least thirty minutes before the listed closing times. If you ignore closing times and arrive just moments prior to closing, my friend — Your an Inconsiderate Jerk.

#8. Your not the only customer in the place:
If the service is not set up right and some of your particulars are not readily available, work up a quick mental list. This way, there would be really only one need, two at the most to get the servers attention. A napkin, a new fork, another napkin, an extra dish, a little more pepper, more water, extra lemon.
If you ask for each of these items individually at different times,
You are a Nuisance Jerk

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When I Eat Sushi

The slices of Yellow Fin Tuna, Mackerel, Salmon and Roe are served up at my favorite table along with a bottle of Biwa No Choju as it has not arrived sooner as imagined. Rows of piano tuning pin sized scales and slabs that sit erect next to the pickled ginger and wasabi sitting patiently on the trays outer corner sharpening its great breath.

I gaze closely to unravel the briny map that tells 0f the deep dark ocean recently carrying these narezushi to my dish. There’s an echo calling out about the Sushi slices that once rippled through the Southeast Asian currents about a place the fish began, a place I could never find on my own, nor were ever meant to.

Even the plum and the tiny eggplant are no relief. Perplexed and inflamed I continue hoisting piece after piece off my ceramic plate as the fish now seems as diminutive than possible.

My mouth opens for the last piece, exposing the truth it so desperately wanted to keep hidden from you,
and you,
and you,
and you.